Mon, Aug. 14th, 2006, 08:10 pm
I missed the last part of the episode! What happened to Nugget??
Workplace Abuse: Are You a Victim?
What to Look For and What to Do
By Kate Lorenz, CareerBuilder.com Editor
Most workers have endured arduous jobs or difficult bosses at one time or another in their careers. But unfortunately, there are many workers whose situations go beyond "challenging" and can only be characterized as "abusive."
"Abuse mostly happens to people who are very conscientious, trying to please and trying to get along," says Lyssa Menard, Ph.D., clinical psychologist in the Wellness Institute at Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago. "The two types of workers at greatest risk for abuse are either the ones who accommodate too much, or those who refuse to conform," Dr. Menard explains.
"The ones who do not conform usually will leave the situation fairly quickly and find a new job. The person who tries to accommodate, however, will stick it out longer and take the abuse," Dr. Menard says. This was the case with Laura.
Laura was excited about her new job. Her boss was energetic, charismatic and the position paid well. "Everything was perfect... for about a year," Laura recalls. "Then the abuse began." Laura endured constant screaming, belittling comments and continued threats that her boss would sabotage her career, as he said he did when another employee complained and left.
"He was abusive with others, but I was his main target because I was so loyal. I know people might think, 'Why did you stay?' I am an intelligent, educated professional. But he would always apologize profusely and knew exactly what to say to manipulate people. At first, I made excuses for him, but then I was afraid to leave because I didn't want him to trash my career."
"The abuse usually starts subtly and slowly begins to intensify," Menard contends. "It whittles away at one's self esteem and ability to take action. It breaks the victims' will and limits their ability to look for a job and therefore leave the situation. And the longer they have been abused, the harder it is to leave."
Dr. Menard outlines these types of workplace abuse:
Verbal: screaming; public humiliation; belittling
Non-verbal: subtle discrimination; getting the "silent treatment;" intimidation and threat
Work-related: ever-increasing workload; increased workload with decreased responsibilities
Being told to perform illegal actions on behalf of the company
If you think you are a victim of workplace abuse, what can you do?
1. Get out. Things will never change, so the sooner you get a new job, the better.
2. Educate yourself. Try to identify the type of abuser you are dealing with and get as much information about that personality type as possible. This will help you deal with the situation until you can leave.
3. Keep records of everything. Save e-mails and voice mails. Write down incidents in a date book. Cell phones are handy for recording and photographing documentation.
4. Know your rights. Contact your professional association or a lawyer to find out your rights as an employee of your company. Then you must weigh your options on whether you feel the situation is worth fighting legally.
5. Develop a social network. Focusing on events outside of work is important to help you regain some balance in your life.
6. Consider therapy. Consult a professional to get you through this dark period and help you regain your self-esteem.
Kate Lorenz is the article and advice editor for CareerBuilder.com. She researches and writes about job search strategy, career management, hiring trends and workplace issues.
Moving On to Much Better Things After Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult, but being alone can feel worse. All your happily married friends are still happily married, and here you are suddenly single. It's a huge adjustment. Even though you've triumphed by getting out of a bad situation, there's often an underlying sense of failure. There's enormous pressure to be a couple in this society.
When I was single, the worst part wasn't loneliness. It was the remarks from people who wanted to know when I was finally going "to hook up for real," and the warnings from an aunt that I wasn't getting any younger. The worst comment came after I'd broken up with a man who undermined my confidence, did not turn up when he said he was going to, slapped me so hard my ears rang, and threw a glass of wine in my face. A colleague told me that I could not possibly last without him. "You think you're happy, but you'd be much happier with a boyfriend," she said.
It is this attitude, which persists even in 2004, that drives women to date substandard men and put up with ridiculous behavior. It makes it tempting to pick up the phone and ask a rotten fellow if he has plans Friday night, rather than face the prospect of attending a dinner party populated with giddy couples alone.
Maybe you'd like to meet someone new, but the idea of dating makes you nervous. You certainly don't want to end up with another abuser. Women tend to attract the same type of person again and again, unless they take steps to do otherwise.
That was my story, anyway. After seeing a series of men who ranged from being abusive to emotionally distant, I decided that it was time to stop dating. I would become my own boyfriend. I started treating myself the way the dreamiest man in the world would. The results were fantastic. Two months later, I began my first healthy relationship with a man. I never did fall in love with him, though, so I broke it off. Then the man who would become my husband walked into the picture, starting the most fulfilling relationship I have ever known. What's more, it's an easy relationship: no drama, no angst, and no mind games. We've been happily married for 12 years.
You can have a healthy, fulfilling love relationship, too. But you have to do some inner work first. Here's how:
1. Believe that you are capable of it. If all your relationships have been unhealthy, you may not believe that you are capable of a healthy one. Maybe you don't even know what a happy and mutually supportive relationship is. Find a pen and paper right this minute and write down the qualities your perfect man would possess (hint: he'd be loving, honest, faithful, gentle, and so on). Now write down how you'd feel in a relationship with such a person (peaceful, content, joyous, excited, and so on). Keep these lists with you at all times. Dwell on them whenever you have a minute, perhaps in the ladies' room at work. It's especially helpful to read themâ€”and feel the emotions they bring upâ€”for a minimum of 30 days. Do this as you drop off to sleep at night and before you put your feet on the floor in the morning. Your subconscious will go to work on drawing a man with these qualities to you. It may sound like hocus-pocus, but it works.
2. Know that you are a treasure yet to be discovered. Make a list of your own excellent qualities. Bring to mind every important compliment you've ever gotten. Recognize that you deserve a healthy relationship. Understand that you are worthy of love, respect, tenderness, and whatever else was missing from--or inconsistent in-- your former relationship. A lot of us have been raised to think it's conceited to dwell on our good qualities, but you if you haven't a sense of your own worth, you really can't attract a man who will give you the love you deserve. It's imperative that you overcome your own feelings of inadequacy before you date again, or you're bound to end up with your ex in a different body.
3. Do all the things you put off while you were with Mr. Wrong. Now is the time to do all the things your ex held you back from, whether that means going to a museum or eating in a particular restaurant. Perhaps you've dreamed of vacationing in Malta, but your ex insisted on a fishing trip every year. If you can afford it, pencil in some vacation time and go for it-- by yourself. After I decided to become my own best boyfriend, I took myself to San Francisco for four days. I booked a room in a B&B instead of a hotel because I'm shy; the communal breakfasts forced me to talk to other people. As a result, I went sight-seeing with a dancewear designer from South Africa. I enjoyed several meals with a Londoner who'd sold her furniture business to travel around the world. When I returned home to New York, I had a completely new outlook. I felt capable, powerful, and independent. Traveling by myself had a pronounced impact on my subsequent relationships with men; I was no longer willing to take anything less than the finest treatment from them.
4. See a movie by yourself. A friend's lovely boyfriend once told me, "You're not an adult until you've seen a movie by yourself." After my last rotten relationship, I took myself to see "Rain Man." Yes, a couple of less-enlightened jerks did look at me pityingly, but I didn't care. I walked out of the theater feeling great, even if the movie was overrated. I started going on solo trips to the movies once every couple of weeks, and it was absolutely freeing. I didn't have to compromise with anybody about what film to see, and I genuinely enjoyed my own company. I began to feel that I could do whatever I wanted.
5. Buy yourself flowers. Once a week, pick out an inexpensive bouquet from the corner grocer. Stop making excuses. Stop telling yourself you can't afford it, that you should spend your money on something practical, and just buy it. Take it home and put it in one of those empty vases you have lying around. The flowers will cheer you every time you see them. They will make you feel loved.
6. Go out with your old friends. There's nothing quite like a night out with the girls. If you managed to shut out your friends while you were with What's-His-Name, you may have some apologizing to do. So go to it, and resolve never to let a man get between you and your friends again. Then, go out and have a blast. Do it often! You deserve it.
7. Treat yourself kindly. Talk to yourself as you would a beloved child. You wouldn't tell a little one, "You're so stupid," or "You're fat," so stop saying such things to yourself. Speak to yourselfâ€”and treat yourselfâ€”like a perfect soul who is progressing every day. A baby doesn't come into the world with the ability to talk, but it learns eventually. Treat yourself to something wonderful every chance you get. It doesn't have to cost money. Lose the guilt and eat your lunch in the park instead of tying yourself to your desk. Take a walk in the evening and discover a different part of town. Do things that feel good. If you have the habit of eating takeout because you don't like "to cook for one," it's time to impress the most important person in your life. Cook yourself something simple and delicious. Set the table (no standing over the stove and eating out of the pot) and serve it on your best china. Enjoy it with a single glass of the most delightful wine you can afford.
8. Take a class or join a club. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've heard it before, but it really does make a difference. Everybody has a special interest, and it's time to explore yours. You'll develop confidence, meet new people, and most important, get out of the house on a regular basis. When my friend Joe found out that his girlfriend had been cheating on him for 15 years, he packed up her things and listened to sad music for two weeks. Then he moved on. His interests are cooking and the outdoors, so he enrolled in a cooking class and joined a hikers' club. He made friends through both activities and, before long he was inviting them to his house for dinner parties. One night, a guest brought a female friend along, and Joe fell in love with her. They got married two years ago.
9. Date carefully. After being your own boyfriend for a while, you may want a relationship with a man again. (Or maybe you won't.) When you're out on dates, ask yourself if the guy exhibits any of your ex's qualities. Abusers are utterly charming in the beginning, but they leave clues that indicate they're not good boyfriend material. Observe carefully. Never make excuses for poor behavior. Ask yourself if the guy is the kind of man you'd like your daughter to marry (whether or not you have one). If the answer is no, give him the slip. Continue to be your own boyfriend until the right fellow shows up. Eventually, he will.
Make time to develop a loving relationship with yourself, and the bad boys you once found irresistible just won't appeal to you anymore. You will magnetize gentle, fun, upstanding, faithful men, and you'll be attracted to them, too, for a change. Before you know it, you'll find yourself in the relationship of your dreams. I did it, and so can you.
About The Author
(c) Terry Hernon MacDonald. Terry writes frequently about dating and relationship issues and is the author of the ebook, "How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams." Visit her website at http://www.marrysmart.com
Wed, Jan. 4th, 2006, 03:30 am
SOUL TIES ARE THE HARDEST THING TO BREAK IN THE WORLD. ONCE A TRUE ONE IS BOUND, IT IS THERE FOREVER.
Sat, Dec. 24th, 2005, 01:29 am
Not sure if i have ever been this tired before.
I just want to curl up with one of my Lisa Jackson books and read til i sleep. But no, i can't because i have 2am christmas shopping to do dammit!!!
off i go to the 24 hour kmart!!
Thu, Nov. 3rd, 2005, 01:34 am
whoa, i haven't updated in forever, but tonight isn't going to be much help. I am tired, stressed out from work and school and it is grating on me. I have taken some of it out on leo, and for that i apologize. We have been fighting, but i need to learn to not take things out on him. Good thing that boy loves me, lol i don't know how he puts up with me, but he does. I am so lucky to have him, but, he is luckier to have me.
And by the way, the fucking White sox won the World Series. Me and leo have been dating since around the first week of spring training and i told him we would win it all this year. We went to opening day and so many games over the summer and two play off games. And i took off work because i knew they would make it on wednesday, and they did, i will never forget the look of pure joy on his face. he cried, i swear he did, and it was sooooo cute. Any way...
that is all. love to you all very very much. Night night
Sat, Oct. 1st, 2005, 02:48 am
Mesopotamia started because it was a nation between two rivers. The rivers supported their way of life. The north received rain but most of it just ran off the soil and didn’t have time to absorb the water for nutrients. In the south is the opposite with little rainfall with rich soil. The rivers provided a way for the people to irrigate their crops, but then only for major floods to destroy their crops. Civilizations ended up growing in between the two rivers, the towns Eridu and Uruk began because of their irrigation systems. (Book:pg 8)
While over in Egypt, there was rich soil all along the Nile River. The land became very rich and kept their crops healthy for a good harvest every year. But Egypt only had two kinds of land. One was the desolate Sahara desert where nothing could grow and was uninhabitable. The other was the Nile valley which had nutrient soil and kept the crops alive as well as the Egyptians. Because of the desolate desert around them, there were isolated from trade and communication with other civilization which was good because there was less threat of war and they developed their own stable society.(Book:pg 14)
In Mesopotamia, women only had power over the children and servants while in Egypt, women were more socially accepted, where they owned land, businesses and could have legal responsibilities such as contracts for land and lawsuits in their courts. Women were not allowed formal education though which prevented them from holding public office. Mesopotamian gods were worshipped because they were similar to those who worshipped them. They had many gods for things in their everyday lives. In Egypt the king at the time was god, or whomever he worshipped, the people of the lands were supposed to follow in step and worship his god also.
The farmer-soldiers of the Roman Empire were the backbone of Rome. Rome could not survive without them, and they didn’t. “From farmers come the bravest men and the sturdiest soldier,” wrote Cato the Elder (Book:pg, 80). The normal soldier had a family and lives on 10 acres of land. They raised grain, bean, and hogs for themselves and sold the grapes and olives they grew. You could only fight in the Roman army if you were a citizen and to be a citizen you had to own land. The farmers planted in the spring, fought wars around Rome in the summer and were back in time for harvest. They were called the Citizen Army.
When the Roman Empire started expanding and the wars were getting further away from home, the farmer-soldiers would be away for years at a time and miss harvest. Their families would try to make due, but eventually they would essentially mortgage the land so that they could survive another year, only to fail again because the men hadn’t returned home, so their land would be sold. When the farmer-soldiers returned home, they would have land to live on, they had no money because they weren’t allowed to be soldiers without land, so they were forced to the streets or become a slave. This caused the first welfare system with the empire building housing projects for the homeless. And the soldier-farmers were forced to beg for money during the day and fed by the government inside the walls of Rome.
(Lecture:9/24/05) Virtue and honor were always important to Rome, but since these men were without either, Generals began taking advantage of the homeless farmer-soldiers. They began recruiting them into their own armies and paying them money and ignored the rule about soldiers having to own land to fight wars and the men were loyal to that general.
Thu, Sep. 1st, 2005, 01:47 am
Hey, long time, no update.
A lot to update about too.
But let's see. I friggin hate the gas prices of course.
Me and leo just celebrated out SIX MONTH anniversary!!!!
My kitty cat midnight is growing into a full grown cat.
I got a brand new hyundai elantra silvery purple, depends on the light.
Being on a diet sucks, but losing weight rocks!!
I need to see more of my friends, just wish i had the time between school and work.
And i can honestly say that i am happy. I don't just sit in my room at 3am and watch nick at night. I make myself happy. Leo makey me happy...a lot a lot. And my job makes me happy. Without drugs!!!
hmm, i can't think of too much else, but uh, any questions, just ask and we shall go from there. I really am sorry that i do not update a lot. but now that i am in school, i should be on the comp a lot more. Love you all, night night.
oh and my new favorite show is "The comeback" with lisa kudrow.
Sun, Jun. 19th, 2005, 12:36 am
What a nice day. Taylor's 17th birthday was a blast, lenny came over and a few of taylor's friends for a party and we bbqd. Then sam and carlos came over and we played pool for a bit. Tomorrow i am seeing my dad and going to church. Afterwards, lenonard's family invited me to Benihana's (Expensive Japanese restaurant downtown, one of my favorites.) for dinner, So i am going to bed early. Goodnight all. Happy fathers day to all of your dad's!!
Sat, Jun. 11th, 2005, 09:14 pm
still here, just busy as heck